enough

she asked me to tell her about myself. i grew up in south florida. moved to swaziland for a year after college to do HIV public health work. came back to go to med school. now i'm doing residency here.

do you think you'll go back to africa when you're done here? well, maybe. i want to. i have some health issues.

then the tears start. i tell her how sickness once again caught up with me. about my recent hospitalization and missed trip to europe. how i was well enough to fly to LA for the last couple days of my vacation. how i don't want to start the new IV medication they are putting me on.

she tells me how amazed she is at how much i've accomplished despite this sickness. how i managed to finish med school. how i'm finishing residency. i breathe out deep breaths of thankfulness as she says this. the stepping back to tell the whole story reminds me of how far i have come. the little losses of this past month seem small in comparison to all the huge graces that have carried me this far.

i once read about a jewish song, dayenu, that is apparently a part of Passover celebrations. the word roughly translates to me "it would have been enough for us." the song talks about how god led israel out of slavery, about the miracles god did for israel. at each point, it pauses to say "it would have been enough." if god had only given one of those gifts, it still would have been enough.  

as i told my story, the concept of dayenu kept running through my head.

if i only got the chance to live on red swazi earth for a year, it would have been enough.
if i only finished med school, it would have been enough.
if i only finished the first year of residency, it would have been enough.
if i only danced in a sari at my best friend's wedding in india, it would have been enough.
if i only had enough energy and love to get through today, it would have been enough.

the list goes on, a trail of goodness that fills the life that often feels like wilderness. i'll take the mix of good and bad: the trips to india where i pack both saris and pillboxes. the southern california sun that came after a canceled trip to europe. days in a hospital bed surrounded by amazing friends and cafeteria milkshakes. 

it is enough.